There’s a frightening trend sweeping the nation. Anti-millennial sentiments are taking hold.
Why some find it difficult to see that we’re God’s gift to the 21st century is beyond me. I mean, we’re just so damn perfect. But let me clarify… I’m one of few millennials willing to give you the cold, hard truth about what it’s really like to live in my generation. I’m about to reveal what most millennials refuse to admit. I’m here to provide testimony for all millennials… even the ones who deny the indisputable facts about Generation Y. (While we millennials do, in fact, know it all… don’t pretend you do, too. Read all the way to the disclaimer at the end.)
For starters, you must know that every one of us fits the mold perfectly. The stereotypes revealed in survey results, polls, and articles are all undeniably applicable to each and every individual born between the 1980s and 2000s. In case you’ve never stumbled upon a millennial quite as honest as I am, here is what you need to know about us:
We are real-life selfies.
Like all millennials, I’m completely narcissistic.
Before moving out of my parents’ place and into an apartment of my own, I convinced my mom to stop by Costco so I could buy mirrors… in bulk. At first, when friends and family visited, it was an awkward situation. But eventually, I began explaining that the large quantity of mirrors in my apartment was a part of the latest interior design trend. What they didn’t know is that I need to see myself at all times. How can I be selfie-ready if I don’t know what I look like?
And speaking of selfies… taking them is a hobby. I’ve discovered that the most unexpected places have the potential for the best pop-up selfie studios. Public bathrooms with vintage color palettes, absolutely any restaurant, expensive vehicles on the street, and unmade beds after sex all make for fantastic selfie backgrounds. If we’ve learned anything from the Kardashians, it’s that you need to be ready to take a selfie at a moment’s notice. That and a well-lit sex tape could put you on the fast track to celeb status. Hello Hollywood!
We refuse to do anything that requires effort.
My most noteworthy characteristic is that I’m lazy. All millennials are. In fact, we don’t even eat cereal. It’s not that I don’t like stuffing my face with artificial sugars and added preservatives. It’s the idea that eating cereal requires me to grab a bowl out of the cupboard, shake some Wheaties out of the box, pull milk out of the fridge, use hand dexterity to spoon the grains into my mouth, and—the most agonizing part—wash my bowl after eating.
Scrambled eggs, oatmeal, and homemade smoothies are my favorite… and they are far easier breakfast choices. After eating, I’m not burdened with the act of scraping fried eggs out of a pan, crusty oats out of a bowl, or cleaning up the aftermath of a smoothie explosion. Cereal is just too much work… for any millennial.
If you want loyalty, don’t come to us.
I’m warning you, millennials are anything but loyal. Unlike our parents’ or grandparents’ generation, we aren’t about to stay with a company for 40 years, especially not a company that treats us right. We are always looking for greener grass. In fact, I bask in the feeling of instability as I scramble from one low-paying job to another that offers a 50-cent raise.
Lucky for me, companies are always willing to hire, because millennials’ cutting-edge skills allow employers to terminate one of their higher-paid long-term employees (like our parents) and replace them with us… for half the pay.
A generation with zero debt like ours has the freedom to do that. That is, jump around. It doesn’t matter how much money I make, because the minute I graduated college, I had loads of it (and no student loan debt to speak of). Debt nightmares don’t keep me up at night… and rent and utilities are virtually free. Being a 20-something-year-old millennial is but a dream.
We have permanent dollar signs in our eyes.
They say 38 percent of millennials are motivated by money. They’re wrong. It’s more like 105 percent. (I say 105 because that makes up for the percent that denies they’re a millennial at all.) Either way, you should know that we live for money. We are waiting longer to have children not because we can’t afford them, but because we’re smart enough to realize that children are a waste of money. I’m thankful our parents didn’t make that realization earlier… or we wouldn’t be here to destroy what’s left of the world.
And forget volunteering. I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s problems. If you want my help, you better be willing to pay me for it. I have trips to go on and extravagant things to buy. I don’t have time for obligations or feelings.
It’s not my fault that Africa continues reproducing. That’s not about to keep me up at night… I’ve got too much Instagram scrolling to do. I’m not about to donate my time and money for their petty needs. Maybe they should have been born in the U.S. and privileged like us. Some people just make stupid choices.
We love our helicopter parents.
Even though most of us are adults now, we cling to our parents. Basically we can’t do anything without them. My mom continues to brush my hair when I get out of the shower, my dad comes with me on election day to help cast my vote, and one of them always tags along to my job interviews. What if I didn’t know the answer to a question? My parents must be accessible on demand. I ditched my baby blanket a long time ago, but my parents’ must act as a binkie.
Our cell phones are our life support.
In years past, there has been controversial talk about life support. Thankfully for millennials, we always have ours with us. Part of our purpose in life is to waste time on technology. Without a phone, I’d have to actually interact with strangers… and anyone who knows me understands that I hate that.
The most frustrating thing about being a millennial, however, is that our employers expect us to use our knowledge to help them. “What about productivity? I’m just here to check Facebook… now can you leave me alone so I can continue scrolling through my news feed?” I’m not interested in using my knowledge in technology to improve their business, increase productivity, or streamline workflows. What’s in that for me?
DISCLAIMER: For those of you without a sarcasm sensor… this is the epitome of it. I am astounded by the “research” that has been done about my generation. What a hilariously amusing waste of time it was to devote any amount of resources to studying the reason why millennials aren’t eating cereal. Are there millennials who fit all of these stereotypes? Absolutely. But in any instance, do you let one bad egg spoil the whole batch? I sure hope not, because you might be surprised by what some of us have to offer.